Overthinking & Undergathering: the pressure to get together the “right away”
To fellow twenty somethings trying to build community
One of my main childhood memories is strategizing with my best friend to convince our parents to let it hang out.
“Okay, your house or mine? Mine would probably say yes to going to yours.”
“Sure, but come with me cuz they might not say no if you’re there when I ask.”
Once successful, we’d gleefully head to the chosen home. Maybe we’d play pretend, read or write, do a craft, take a walk, go to the neighborhood pool.
Often, we’d just be bored together.
And that was cool too. Somehow, boredom wasn’t such a problem. With less screens priming us to expect endless dopamine, it wasn’t as hard to entertain ourselves.
More importantly, boredom wasn’t really a problem to be solved because doing stuff wasn’t the point. Being together was.
As kids, gathering for the sake of gathering felt like second nature.
Now, we do have screens, endless screens, and much shorter attention spans. Now, we have jobs and busy schedules. Now, we have the hassle of actually driving ourselves places.
As someone deeply interested in building and maintaining community, my algorithms find ways to serve community-themed content, just as they do with my other interests.
One thing I’ve noticed in these discussions is an emphasis on what you do together. Time is a scarce resource in our adult lives, so when it comes to gathering, we need an excuse to do it.
Because just getting together isn’t productive. It won’t turn a profit, and it takes away from opportunities to do so.
Being bored together? A high crime.
High expectations & low turnouts
There’s a pressure to not just get together, but to get together the “right way”
I don’t know if this is a universal insecurity, but I’m scared of underwhelming my friends. Just hanging out doesn’t feel like enough of a reason for them to come, so I look for excuses and incentives to invite them.
It has to be an occasion. Before I dare invite my friends anywhere, I have to make sure it’s worth their time.
It has to kill two birds with one stone. We have to do something “productive” while we catch up.
It has to be convenient. I can’t expect people to make a long drive or bring things to share.
I want to build community. But in this get-it-all-quick world, I catch myself trying to have it all at once.
We need community that takes care of each other. So, let’s load up on the projects. Don’t just hang out: clean each other houses, go on grocery runs together, start community service projects, do it all and do it now!
We need community that encourages each others’ growth. Community that has each others’ backs. Creates together, learns together, takes action together.
But before we can do any of that, we have to exist together.
You don’t need an excuse or incentive to gather
What if the gathering is the point?
What if you really did just gather and waste time together?
My favorite thing about the show “Friends” wasn’t the comedy or romantic drama, it was the way they were constantly in each others’ lives, without needing a reason to be.
We have so many different things competing for our attention in this world. Whether it’s work or school, causes you care about, issues that need fixing, chores that need doing, or the ever constant background hum of the internet.
If you don’t make time for community, there won’t ever be time. If you keep waiting for a good enough reason to gather, it’ll never happen.
I want the kind of community that takes on life together. But that means the small stuff, the ordinary days, as well as the big things.
We have to just hang out.
For me at least, it’s tempting to try and compete with all the busyness of life. To make my invitations flashy, the activities interesting, the causes world-changing. To emphasize how the people I’m inviting can benefit.
But building community and being a hip party host aren’t the same thing. Real community is about the relationships, not about entertainment.
Besides, the best and rarest entertainment to be had these days is stumbled across organically, when you’re just wasting time in each others’ presence.
Overthinking leads to undergathering
If you’re like me, you may be guilty of overthinking and undergathering. You plan and you plan, but rarely actually get together.
Maybe it’s insecurity, a leftover from birthday parties with only one person showing up, or parties where people leave early to go see a movie.
Often, it’s a noble impulse, but a misplaced one. It’s not a bad thing to plan activities to do together, places to go, entertainment to enjoy. It’s certainly not bad to get together and try to make a difference.
But every single gathering doesn’t have to accomplish that. It’s okay for a gathering to not accomplish anything. It’s enough of a feat just to get schedules to align!
Like I said, you can’t out-entertain a world that’s designed to do just that at all times.
If, like me, you feel called to step into the role of host, I want you to try something. And I’ll try it with you.
Let the gathering be the point.
Let it be the start of everything. Before you get into the book clubs and community gardens, the celebrations and nitty-gritty of tackling challenges together, just get together.
It’s tempting to try and single-handedly solve the loneliness epidemic all at once. But community is not a vending machine where you press a button and out pops whatever you need.
It’s a tree. You gotta plant it before you can water it, water it before you can trim it, and trim it before you can pick the fruit.
I can hear you asking: what if my friends won’t gather?
It’s a learning curve for all of us. We all have to figure out how to do community in the midst of our busy lives. If they want it as much as you do, they will be willing to learn and grow and make sacrifices. You will all have to ebb and flow together, changing priorities as needed.
It’s possible your friends don’t care about community the way you do. It’s possible your coworkers have zero interest in getting drinks after work.
It’s possible you’re trying to build relationships with people who genuinely, deeply, thoroughly, could not care less.
In which case, that’s not your community. You can’t plant a thorn bush and expect apples.
The best way to find people who want community is to talk about it. I’m serious! Tell people you’re trying to build community and those who want the same thing will come out of the woodwork.
It doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t have to be flashy. It doesn’t have to solve everybody’s problems.
It just has to be. And you just have to be together.